The problem with being a moderately functional individual with clinical depression who’s also known for being terse and grumpy even at the best of times is that when you’re in a major depressive slide no one notices.
So, yeah, the past 3 weeks have been … awful. I’m overwhelmed with a desire to just sleep and completely cease to be. Probably i’ll try to be productive and channel that ceasing urge toward actually buying, like, life insurance.
I guess the past few days haven’t been so bad, but what’s interesting is that it feels like my mind is coming back in pieces, out of order, and never altogether at the same time at any point. I might feel happy while eating dinner with Andy, but underneath i still kinda feel like ceasing to exist would be preferable. Or like this afternoon, when i actually had enough determination and energy to get thru’ a long list of tasks at work but i felt really angry about everything, like “Okay FINE i will DO ALL THIS STUFF not that it matters and WHO CARES ANYWAY, RAWR”. And then not being able to get a ticket to see Tavis Smiley and Cornel West practically brought me to tears because i felt like i’d fucked up because that’s all i ever do is fuck up.
I just want to be completely left alone. I want someone to love me and hug me and tell me it will all be okay. I don’t want to talk to you about any of this.